I have serious commitment issues… at least when it comes to committing to myself. Every time I try to make a commitment to myself, I end up breaking it. I have quit on myself more times than I can begin to count. I start something only to drop it a short time later… classes, workout programs, organizations… you name it. This has to stop before I will be able to move on and create the life I want for myself. There are so many things that have been holding me back for so long, every time I attempt to face them, I cower away again. I need to get past this and deal with these issues once and for all… and I’m going to need some help to do it. I need support and encouragement from my friends, I am much better at keeping commitments to other people than I am to myself.

Today I am putting together a plan and some goals to tackle the 3 biggest obstacles to me moving forward with my life… my debts, my weight and my need to hold onto things that I should let go of. I have made a tiny bit of progress since I posted my last blog and have cleared out my Facebook friends list a bit. But there are so many other things (both actual objects and ideas) that I need to let go of. As far as the other 2 obstacles… I have attempted to tackle my weight so many times, but never follow through. I have all of the tools and even a great community online to help me, but I keep letting myself down by stopping. The issue with my debts has been following me around for years… issues with credit cards that I abused in my late teens and early twenties. I have calculated exactly how much I owe and am now working on coming up with a plan to eliminate these debts once and for all.

So my friends, what I need from you is to be here for me. To encourage me, not just today, but down the road when I feel like I’m ready to give up on myself again. If you don’t see a blog post from me, ask me why… check in to see that things are still going well… let me know you are here… because sometimes I feel very alone (Mo & Scott, I know you are here for me) and like there is no one listening (reading).


Letting Go

I had an eerily accurate Tarot reading recently (actually 2 of them). In both it was brought up that what is holding me back from a truly fulfilled, happy life are the things that I am holding on to that don’t serve me any more. I know that they are there and I know that they hold me back. For some reason seeing this in the cards and knowing that until I work through all of this, I cannot reach the life I’ve dreamed of, has really brought this all to heart. I know what it is that I need to let go of, now I just need to find a way to release it all…

I need to let go of my fears and doubts, my insecurities, my indecision and inability to commit to something and see it through. I need to let go of negativity and judgements, which means also letting go of negative and judgemental people. I need to let go of the things that drain me and distract me, and of people who do the same. And while I am letting go, I need to embrace those things that will propel me along the correct path, my creativity, intuition, strength, and spirituality.

I am meant to forge a creative path, I have felt this for a long time, but sought safety in the known. I continue to turn towards the familiar, thinking that I am safe there, but really there is no safety in living a life that isn’t right for me, it brings only unhappiness and continued insecurities.

So I am working on creating a vision of the life that I want (which is materializing in my mind nicely). Now I need to commit to this vision and make decisions that support it. This will mean letting go of things that I have held onto for a really long time… objects as well as people and beliefs. It’s not going to be easy, but to live the life I want, it needs to be done. I have already started thinning out the people on my Facebook friends list… I am also looking at organizations and communities that I belong to and the possibility of eliminating my Facebook account (and others) completely… this may not come to pass, just things that I am looking at.

Just a quick random blog with some things that you may not know about me…

1. I am a spiritual person, but not religious

2. I love learning about a variety of different topics… current favorites are world religions (especially eastern religions and paganism), nutrition and writing

3. I am completely fascinated with Italy

4. I want to contribute to the world in a meaningful way, but I don’t know what or how right now

5. My focus in life right now is to live positively and overcome the fears holding me back

6. I feel like I am finally coming to figure out who I really am

7. If I could do anything (money no object), I would travel

8. I have become obsessed with memoirs, especially those pertaining to cooking and travel

9. I want to get to a point where I cook using only fresh ingredients

10. I need to always live near water, it is my center (and yes, I am a water sign)

11. I support gay rights and the LGTB community (some of my closest friends are members of this community)

12. I believe that people have the right to their own beliefs and do not pass judgement, but encourage tolerance.

13. I believe in prayer and meditation

14. I am terrible with money and am not financially motivated, though would like to have enough money to feel stable and give back to the community

15. I would rather have 5 close friends than 50 casual acquaintances

16. I am about to turn 40, but feel like I am just now becoming an adult

17. I love irreverent comedy

18. I rarely ask for help, even when I need it

19. I tend to stay up until 2am and sleep until 10 or 11am

20. I believe in true love and soul mates

On Tuesdays I will be sharing my feelings about everything that is happening in my Emotional Journeys series. This is the first entry in the series…

I have been feeling frustrated and a little discouraged lately on my job search. While I have had more interviews in the last 4 weeks that I have in the last year, I feel like I am still no closer to working again. I have one position, that is a step down, but not too far, that I interviewed for a week and a half ago. I was told that I would find out within 2 weeks. Granted, it has not been 2 weeks yet, but I feel like I would have heard by now if I were being offered the position. There is another job that I would probably be offered if I could get my references, but I need at least 2 and so far have only been able to get one. Of course this position is a big step down, a huge pay cut (actually less than I make on UEI) and only part-time, but it gets my foot in the door. I do have another extension on my UEI for a little longer, but there’s only so many weeks left before its gone.

I try to maintain a positive attitude about things. Most of the time I’m successful, but there are those days where it’s just really hard to remain positive. I know that I need to just keep myself out there, putting in applications and resumes. I know that the right job will find me, or I will find it. But I also know that there are people out there who have run out of unemployment benefits, who are willing to do anything (so am I) and who still have not found a position, but have no money coming in. I am lucky in that I have somewhere to live rent free, though I do contribute to groceries. But I do have other commitments and bills that need to be paid, as well as Disney and her food and care.

I am holding on and looking for the “happy in every day” as I have posted on my vision collage, but I just hope that I don’t have to just “hold on” for much longer and will be able to let go and know that I have a place to go to work everyday.

A Spark

Welcome to the first in my Healthy Lifestyle series. Every Monday I will be blogging about my journey towards a healthier lifestyle. I will be chronicling the changes I am making in my activity levels and food choices as I lose weight and improve my health.

A few years ago I found an amazing weight loss community online called Sparkpeople (http://sparkpeople.com). The website is entirely free and features a variety of awesome tools for healthier living, as well as support from people who are facing the same challenges. Unfortunately. even with the help of this amazing resource, I have still struggled to lose weight and become healthier, dropping in and out of the community over the last couple of years.

I decided at the beginning of 2011 that I was finally committing to a healthier lifestyle, no matter what it took. I decided to look at things a little differently and focused on finding activities that made me happy. I decided to seek a healthier, happier life rather than just losing weight.

At the start of the year I was at my highest weight ever, 215 lbs, which is quite a lot on my 5’1″ frame and put me in the morbidly obese range. At the end of March, I had lost 7 lbs, bringing my weight in to the obese range (as opposed to morbidly obese). At this point, I have no idea what my current weight is. My scale was packed when I moved and I have not stepped on a scale in about a month. I am now tracking my progress based on measurements as opposed to weight. Yesterday I took my starting measurements for May:
Waist 41.25″
Hips 51″
Thighs L 27.5″, R 27.5″
Arms L 13″, R 13.5″
Neck 15″
Bust 47.25″
I will be updating these measurements monthly.

I had slipped a bit in April as I was getting adjusted to my new environment, but have devoted May to getting back on track with my workouts. I have committed to a month-long challenge on Spark which I think will really help me get things back on track.

It takes a lot of courage for a woman to put her weight and measurements out there for the world to see. I do this not for attention or to generate any response from people, but to hold myself accountable for what I am doing and the committment that I am making to myself. These are just numbers and do not define who I am. What I do to make these numbers go down is part of what defines me, but even that is only a very small piece. I am not ashamed of my weight or measurements, I like who I am, I just want to be healthier so that I can do the things I enjoy with ease, and live a long happy life.

Today I am starting my series blogs with the first entry in my Exploring Washington series. Every Sunday, I will be posting about the places I visit and things I see.

Since moving to Washington just about a month ago, I have been awed and amazed by the beauty I see everywhere. There are trees pretty much everywhere you look and everything is so green because of all of the rain. But for me the true magic is the water… lakes and rivers and views of the sound from the top of the hill when I walk home from the bus stop. On nice days I just stop at the top and look out over the valley below me. I am truly blessed to be in such a beautiful place.

As we run errands and such, we tend to take back roads a lot of the time. We drive through new housing communities, and large open fields, lakes and working farms. I am completely fascinated  to see the farms that have obviously been in families for generations. Then there are the farms that did not succeed, and the barns that are falling to ruin, sagging and crumbling… while the sight is sad, it is another form of beauty that touches my soul.

I have decided that I really need to start keeping my camera with me at all times to capture the beauty that I see daily. There are so many moments that I was unable to document and share, like the day we were driving by and there was a beaver (yes, I said a beaver) in the middle of the street. This was truly nothing I had ever seen before in Southern California opossums, coyotes, raccoons, sure… but never a beaver! Or another incident where I actually had my camera, but couldn’t pull it out fast enough as we were leaving Deception Pass and I saw a whale swimming out towards the ocean… I can’t wait to see what else is in store for me here!

Ready to Begin

I feel like April was really all about settling in here in Washington and getting to know my new environment. Now I’m ready to start forging my new life, chasing my dreams and goals and creating a future filled with the things I love the most. I have goals in place for May, including the new series set ups for this blog. I am filled with a lot of hope and determination right now, and more than anything I am ready to begin this next phase of my life.